Lingering Shadows: When His Deceased Wife's Memory Makes Her Feel Like the 'Other Woman

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Losing a loved one is not an easy thing to get over. As uncomforting as it may sound, sometimes all we may have left of that person are memories and personal effects they gave us. That said, it’s the memories and personal items that were shared that help to keep that person alive in our thoughts.

A woman feels like she realizes that no matter what she does, she will always be compared to her partner’s deceased ex, and she is having a hard time adjusting to feeling like the “other” girl.

The Girlfriend’s Situation

The original poster (OP) has been dating her current boyfriend for 6 months. She said that prior to their dating, her boyfriend was in a relationship with another girl for 3 years, but she passed away shortly after being diagnosed with leukemia. OP said she knew about the situation with his previous relationship and said she found it charming how he would speak of her when they would talk. She liked seeing how sensitive he was.

OP says their relationship was perfect until recently, when she decided to play Minecraft with her boyfriend and his little brother. She attempted to bond with her boyfriend’s younger brother to strengthen their relationship. While playing the game, she was exploring the area/home that her boyfriend and brother had created in the game when she stumbled upon a room with a sign over it that read “sunray sunshine.”

She decided to ask about the room, and her boyfriend responded that it used to be his deceased girlfriend’s room. OP then goes on to say that it turns out the entire designed area/home in the game was built by his deceased girlfriend, him, and his brother.

Following In The Girlfriend’s Footsteps

This made OP feel jealous of her boyfriend’s deceased girlfriend because she thought she was making a special memory between her, her boyfriend, and his brother. In her words, she feels like she is just a “visitor” in the memory of the deceased girlfriend. She then suggested that they use the room for other purposes, but her boyfriend said no, which she thought was odd.

Since that moment, OP says she has become more aware of how much she still lingers in his life. She recently learned that all the trinkets and plush toys in his house and on his work desk were given to him by his former girlfriend. She also learned that he still stays in contact with her family and visits them on holidays/birthdays.

She also says that whenever his family talks about her, it’s always about how perfect she was and that “she saved his life.” Due to this, OP feels like she is competing with her boyfriend’s deceased girlfriend and that she will never be like her or be as loved by his family as she was.

Due to OP’s feelings, she decided to bring it up with my boyfriend. She told him it’s unhealthy to hold on to an ex for as long as he has and that he should let her go. Her boyfriend got upset about this and said he has no plans to let go as he has and always will love her.

After he told her this, he went on to list all the good things about her. He said they met when he was at a low point in his life, and she motivated him to start school, pursue a good education, and now due to her impact on him, he has a well-paying job.

He also explained that even though he will always love her, it wouldn’t make him feel any less for his current girlfriend because love is not finite.

She responded that this does not reassure her that she is a priority and she would feel better if he got rid of the gifts that he got from her so that she’s not constantly reminded that she is not her. OP said he again became upset and ended the conversation abruptly and told her if she didn’t like his room, then don’t go in it.

She says she is just constantly reminded of her and that she is literally everywhere and feels it is almost to the point where she fights the urge to roll her eyes whenever she is brought up in conversation. Part of her feels like she’s in the wrong for asking him to get rid of the gifts, but at the same time, she feels her feelings are valid too.

The Masses Weigh In

People quickly gave their opinion on the situation and whether the woman was overstepping her bounds and jealous for nothing.

One Redditor said, “YTA, she’s not his ex. She’s dead. They never broke up. She died. She will always be a part of his life, and you can be a part of it too, but not in place of her. You need to either accept this or leave.”

Another Redditor said, “I never understand people who feel jealous or threatened by a dead person. YTA.”

A user had this to say, “This whole post seems to be an indication that OP isn’t emotionally mature enough for a relationship like this.

Another user said, “If someone asked me to get rid of something from a dead friend, let alone a dead ex, I’d leave them so fast. Zero discussion. The complete lack of awareness in some people is mind-boggling.”

This Redditor said, “Please OP – for both of your sake, break up. You will not be happy feeling like #2, and he has happy fond memories of his ex he wants to hold on to, and he has the right to do so.”

Finally, a Redditor said, “Your disdain and jealousy is how people like you get dumped. Learn compassion and empathy.”

Source: Reddit