The term “red flag” has become increasingly common in discussions surrounding relationships and social interactions. Originally intended as a warning sign that something might be amiss, nowadays, it seems that it can be loosely attributed to anything that inconveniences an individual in a relationship.
That said, to each their own when it comes to being with someone. However, a Forum user asked the opinions of others when it comes to red flags by posing the question, “What are some subtle relationship “Red Flags” that are often overlooked?” the answers were straight to the point and, more often than not, HUGE red flags!
One person said, “When you start to hate the person you are when you’re with them.”
A second reader said, “If all of your friends, or your trusted family members, hate your boyfriend/girlfriend. Often, they can see things about your S.O. that you can’t.”
A user said, “This is a big one. Keeping you compartmentalized from the rest of their life.”
Another user said, “Any time the relationship needs to be kept secret, there is a problem somewhere.”
A person added,” When they tell “half-truths” — they tell you the part of the story that answers your question but leave out the part that would “make you upset.”
A person had this to say, “Using ultimatums to get their way instead of compromising.”
This user said, “Holds on to literally everything and brings up stuff you said months ago, even if you forgot saying it. That scorekeeping stuff gets old really fast, especially when you don’t remember if it’s even accurate or not.”
A user said, “When they don’t want you to be friends with their friends.”
Another user added, “The first time I meet someone, if all they talk about is how horrible other people are, or they are going on a huge pity party about themselves, or they’re generally complaining about life and how hard it is….those are red flags I look for.”
A user also said, “One of the red flags I totally ignored in a past relationship is that I didn’t really like any of her friends. If you don’t like the people your S.O. chooses to hang out with, you probably should reevaluate things.”
One reader said, “In the beginning stages – when they complain about their ex. It isn’t easy to build a new relationship on the ashes of an old one.”
A user had this to say, “If they consistently make you their last priority, or simply an afterthought.”
A popular comment was, “When the time you spend with your SO starts being talked about as if there is a minimum requirement per week. Once you feel like you need a time card, its time to punch out.”
Another comment was, “Right. You shouldn’t make plans with your SO because you feel obligated to. You should make plans because you want to.”
This person said, “When things that have always ticks her off mysteriously stop ticking her off anymore.”
One user simply said, “The mental check-out.”
A user also added, “When I stopped fighting with my ex, he just thought I “learned my lesson” and was being cocky. The truth was, I didn’t care enough to waste my energy on him anymore.”
A reader wrote, “When they never apologize or take responsibility for bad behavior.”
A second person added, “When somehow all their bad behavior is because of something YOU did.”
A smart user commented, “If the guy says “you don’t really want to date me – I’m an a****h***e,” believe him.”
Another user replied, “I dated a guy who admitted multiple times to me that he has never been the relationship type, was scared of commitment, etc. Granted, he also would tell me that he really liked me and wanted a future with me. So frustrating. It’s so obvious in hindsight, but it’s too easy to be blinded at the moment.”
A popular comment was, “When she/he puts you down in front of others.”
Another user wrote, “I feel you, man. She complains about me all the time: to her parents, to my family, to her friends… it doesn’t stop. But when I confront her about it, she tells me she thinks she doesn’t. Itches the beep out of me.”
One user responded, “Both of you must be comfortable doing separate things in the same room. If one of you isn’t, it’s a red flag.”
A second user replied, “This is easily my favorite response. It’s not a first date type of red flag, but definitely, after you’ve gotten to know each other. Having an SO require my full attention whenever we’re in the same room is extremely exhausting. In order for me to do anything else that I enjoy (watch tv, read, Reddit, anything), I would need the absence of my SO. In other words, the only thing that I can do with my SO is paying attention to my SO.”
A person replied, “If you text your SO and never really respond in a reasonable time, but when they are with you, they are CONSTANTLY on their phone. That’s a serious red flag.”
Another reader commented, “Conversely if they freak out every time you don’t immediately respond to a text they send.”
On A Pedestal
One most-liked comment read, “Putting you on a pedestal. It may seem nice at first, but it means they’re not seeing your full personhood — rather, they are seeing a fictional and idealized version of you. It is unintentionally dehumanizing. Plus, the only place to go is down.”
Another comment was, “Yeah, the healthiest relationships are when they see you as an equal. Don’t talk down to you or treat you like ****, but they don’t need to treat you like a king/queen, either.”
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